Weeks 3 & 4

Well, it appears I'm not so good at this blogging thing after all.... it's been 12 days since my last update.  I'd like to blame it on the holidays, or not enough time (like I do with exercise), but neither one is really a good excuse.  So, where did I leave off???

Well, the last 12 days in review go something like this...... Went to Fort Wayne for my family Christmas the weekend before the actual holiday.  Leading up to this I was still having a hard time with the supplements.  I believe I cheated with a piece of grilled chicken (again, cheated as in I'm not suppossed to have real food yet).  The whole weekend was hard.  Food was all around me.  Unlike my fridge at home (which is empty) my Mom's was full AND they were eating meals in front of me.  I really feel for those people on the program that have families.  It must be SO hard.  However, the hardest part was my family Christmas.  I was fine without the alcohol, and even the sweets didn't bother me much.  However, the chicken wings, chips & cheese, and most of all PIZZA were more than I could handle.  If I had the chance to be alone in the kitchen I probably would've gone for it, but thankfully there was always someone around.  When I left that night I felt a sense of accomplishment, but I also kept thinking about how hard it had been and what I had sacrificed. 

The week got harder and a few times I substituted 3" of a Subway sandwich (all the veggies with mustard and no cheese) for one of my meal replacement bars.  The calorie content was the same, and it was a healthy choice, so I didn't feel too guilty.  After all, I could've done a lot worse like pizza or cookies.  Leading up to Christmas Day I did treat myself to dinner at Applebees with some friends.  I ordered the under 500 calorie steak dinner (360 calories) which was equivalent to 2 meal replacements and it was the most amazing dinner I had eaten.... well, at least within the past four weeks!  LOL

Once again it was back to my Mom's for Christmas Day.  I found this weekend to be even harder than the one before.  I was faced with cookies & brownies (brownies are my weakness), pecan pastry (which is tradition from my grandparents on Christmas morning), ham dinner at my step-grandma's, and appetizers at a family friend's home.  The smell of freshly cooked bacon and french toast my Mom made for breakfast almost drove me crazy!!  This was such a huge sacrifice for the holidays and it was amazing how I felt at times like I was missing out on the traditional Christmas.  However, in the end I realized how many calories I saved myself by not giving in to all the opportunities I had to eat a cookie here or dinner there.  I snacked on veggies and fruit most of the weekend with the biggest splurge being celery with peanut butter and raisins. 

So, that brings us to today!  Now I'm too tired to continue, but I promise to be back tomorrow to tell the ending of my week 3 & 4 story with my total weight loss for the two weeks!  Stay tuned.

Week 2

I've been slacking a little on my posts (not the daily ones I promised), but I wanted everyone to know how I did at the end of week 2.  After another weak evening I caved and ate some no sodium added green beans.  However, the rest of the week I did great and got in all of my water everyday!  At the end of week 2 I'm down another pound for a total of 13 lbs.  I'm pretty happy about that, but of course we always want the weight to fall off even faster.  I had anticipated, however, that this week would be a low number since I pulled such a high one the first week.  A loss is ALWAYS better than a gain!!!

Following my weigh-in and doctor's appointment I attended my second class.  This week was with the fitness coach.  Although it was a much smaller group this week (maybe because of the weather?) it was a really great session.  The fitness coach, Leanne, was very bubbly and talkative.  She explained that she had never been obese, but has struggled with bulemia for the past 20+ years.  Suprisingly she's had all the same struggles we do, only she binges and then purges with exercise.  I took two key points from this meeting.  The first... PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!!!  Sometimes you just might have to remove yourself from a situation where you know you will be TOO tempted.  Second, was the quote she repeated several times throughout the hour: "The measure of success is not if you fall but WHEN you fall, how quickly you get back on track."  What a powerful statement. 

During the remainer of the meeting Leanne got us thinking about some of the small things we can do to burn calories.  For example, standing burns more calories than sitting.  She also explained ideas on how to workout without the use of exercise equipment or a gym membership, none of which she has!  I found Leanne to be very inspiring, and also very comforting when I had my turn to bring my "cheats" to the group.  It reminded me of the quote from LaWana last week.  "What dies in exposure, grows in darkness."  You must get it off your chest and forgive YOURSELF!!!

This week  my goal is to start adding more exercise.  I also signed up for the 2011 Indy 500 Mini-Marathon!!!  I've completed it twice before, once in 2006 and again in 2007, so I know I can do it if I put my mind to it.  It will also give me a goal and a motivation to get my butt moving.  If you want to join me let me know!  I have a training schedule I can send you that starts January 3rd!!  I also purchased a heart rate monitor online so that when I am working out I know that I am in my target range and buring fat.  I'll try to report back on that next week once it arrives and I've had a chance to check it out. 

I will probably be away again for a few days.... heading to Fort Wayne for my family Christmas this weekend!  I can't believe I will be passing up Aunt Jean's peanut butter buckeye balls, but I will take my bars and Diet Rite and I WILL NOT cheat.  Hope everyone has a great week!!!

I CHEATED!!

The date was 12/7/10.  I had only been on the program for 9 days, but the craving for chicken broth, steamed cauliflower and olives was more than I could stand anymore.  As I stopped at Kroger on my way home I walked up and down the frozen food aisle contemplating the actions I was about to take that would bring me one step closer to breaking the cardinal rule of the first 12 weeks.  NO FOOD!!!  I picked up some Diet Rite, hoping this detour would help me refrain from giving into my urges, but as I walked out my bag contained the following:  one bag of frozen cauliflower, a can of green beans, and no sodium chicken bouillon. As I drove home I told myself that I didn't HAVE to eat any of it.  I could save it all for when that 12 week mark hit and I could once again eat real food, but it didn't work. 

My mother's voice echoed in my head, "I'm afraid if you do it once you will do it again."  I sat for a good 10 minutes before I finally gave in.  Just like an addict I relapsed.  As the cauliflower cooked in the microwave I boiled water in my teapot for the chicken broth.  It was ready quickly and I mixed in the leveled teaspoon of bouillon.  This is it.  I was going to cheat.  I took a small sip, and just as quickly as it entered my mouth, I spit it back into the sink.  Yes, folks, the no sodium bouillon had just that.... NO SODIUM!!!  Craving 0...... Me 1.  I felt a sense of victory!

But without a second thought I pulled the bowl of cauliflower out of the microwave.  It smelled just as good as I thought, and the first bite was heaven.  (I never thought those words would come out of my mouth about cauliflower!!!)  I sat at the computer savoring each and every bite.  Soon, however, the heavenly taste was no longer there.  As I sat picking at the bowl I knew this was the time to dump the rest out.  I had probably eaten about a cup (equal to 25 calories or so) and that was enough.  Silly, isn't it, that I'm considering one cup of cauliflower cheating on a diet.  That's crazy!!!

Just as I have had the mentality in the past, it came back again.  Now that I had cheated I might as well have that green olive I've been craving for the last 9 days too.  Although, one turned into two, and before I knew it I had eaten 4!!!  I quickly turned on the garbage disposal and dumped the rest down the drain.  That'll show em! Now what was I going to tell my Mom!?!

It's funny how I never really felt any guilt.  I never regretting the actions I took that night.  I feared the disappointment of my mother, but after talking it over with my younger sister I reassured myself that I was going to be OK.  That night I wrote on the OPTIFAST wall on Facebook telling everyone what I had done.  Surprisingly the responses were positive.  The members of this social networking group were from all over.  Many from outside of the US.  It was interesting to read that many other OPTIFAST programs allow vegetables, some even start with allowing two small meals per day.  I think the key here was I shouldn't beat myself up over some cauliflower and olives, at least it wasn't a Snickers or worse.... a donut!  Eventually I confessed to my Mom what I had done, and to my amazement she told me she too didn't think it was a big deal, and how funny it was that I cheated with cauliflower.  However, we were both in agreement that this is not something I should do again, and that to be successful I must follow the program. 

Surprisingly since that time my cravings have disappeared completely!  I'm not sure if it was the fulfillment of the craving, the salt content, or the mental part of it, but as I'm nearing the 2 week mark it seems as if the program HAS gotten easier.  These 12 days have gone quickly, and I'm hoping that it continues in this same way.  I'm even proud to say that I successfully went out to lunch today with the girls.  As they sat eating their meals at O'Charleys I nibbled on my meal bar and drank some iced tea with Splenda.  It was right then that I realized why I could still enjoy going out to lunch without the added fat.... it was the experience, the laughter, the sharing, and the friends that I enjoyed most.  THAT is what life is about.  NOT food.

First Class

So I arrived for class on Monday night, while on my lunch break, both excited and nervous about what to expect during the next hour.  I signed in at the doctor's office and paid my $30.  I walked down the hall and into what looked like a kitchen or work breakroom. There sat six other overweight individuals, all talking about their current struggles.  While we waited on the instructor to arrive I sat quietly, but smiled at everyone and nodded in agreement.  Soon the instructor walked in with a loud voice, but friendly greeting, welcoming us to the group.  She passed out some official paperwork to sign for our files and then we got started.  Her first question to each of us...... "Tell me your name and why you joined the program." 

I was first to go.  Not knowing exactly what to say, and still a little nervous, I gave my name and explained that I had recently reached my highest weight for the second time and felt out of control.  I had gotten divorced 2 years ago and since that time I have found happiness in every aspect of my life except for this.  The instructor responded with a question.  "What is the common factor in your story?"  I paused for a second.  I wasn't sure how to answer the question.  She asked the group for help.  A pretty blonde sat at the end of the table.  She was definitely much younger than me, but from listening to her before the meeting it sounded like she had been on the program for awhile.  She responded, "Depression."  "That's right!" said the instructor.  She went on to tell me that we must work on my emotional stability throughout the next several sessions to see why that causes my behaviors, and how to change it.  She then asked, "What is your greatest strength?"  Again, I found a hard time answering these questions about myself, however I could go on and on about others around me.  The instructor asked, "Are you determined?"  YES!!!  Of course I am determined.  I am determined to make it these 12 weeks and lose the weight.  Then it was on to the next person.

Just as I sat at the beginning of the meeting, I sat and listened for the next 45 minutes as everyone else introduced themselves and explained their story.  Some had just began the program as I had, but others had 3, 5, even 16 weeks under their belt already!  It was amazing how much of myself I saw in each and every one.  Obsessive thoughts about food, late night eating habits, the difficulty of socializing without food or alcohol, prospective health problems, eating for comfort, DEPRESSION!  As one woman cried telling her story I fought back the tears.  I knew what she was going through.  I too have had those tears many times.  We don't always put ourselves first and before we know it was have spent so much time helping others we can't help ourselves. The instructor made it all seem so easy.  She ended the group with the Serenity Prayer and explained that WE were going to be a family for the next 12 weeks.  Just as quickly as I had walked into that classroom anxiously, I walked out motivated, proud, and excited for what was to come next.

What did I learn from this class?  I learned to stop doing so much for others and start doing for ME.  I learned that when there is a problem there is ALWAYS a solution.  I learned that we can make things happen through our words and our actions.  That bringing our thoughts, fears, and worries to those around us frees us of the burden and takes the weight off our shoulders.  Yes, together we ARE going to do it, and I cannot wait to see the outcome!

Week One

The first week was not easy.  I already purchased big bottles of water to make it easier for me to get all my water in (yes, the dreaded 8 glasses a day is required on the program) and there was little to no planning involved (except putting my shakes in the fridge for the next day) but obviously it was very difficult to switch from eating out everyday to drinking and eating the same things everyday for 12 weeks!

Wait, before I get too ahead of myself, maybe I should explain a little more about the program for those of you who are not familiar with it.  I'm doing the OPTIFAST program.  It's a medically montiored weight loss program that involves the use of supplements for rapid weight loss.  The typical plan consists of 12 weeks on the supplements only, followed by a 6-week transition period where each week one of the supplements is replaced with real food that you plan out with a registered dietician.  You also attend class once per week, meet with the doctor every other week and have blood work done every month.  Right now my diet consists of 3 shakes and 2 meal bar replacements plus a snack bar; one eaten every three hours.  The purpose is to lose the weight, rid your body of the sugars and salt, shrink your stomach, and re-teach you how to eat the right foods in the right porportions.  The real work comes in the final stage, maintenance.  You must put what you have learned into action and make it a lifestyle change or you will gain all the weight back.   

So, I went about each day with my shakes and meal bars set out.  I would eat every 3 hours and was able to get all of my water in each day as required.  I even treated myself at the end of each day with a Tangerine Diet Rite (which is allowed on the program).  Everything was going fine until the cravings came on.  Even stranger was what I was craving..... A baked potato with cottage cheese and black pepper on top, a turkey burger with no bun and a big slice of tomato on top, hummus, olives, steamed broccoli & cauliflower, and chicken broth.  All things I like, but nothing I thought I would ever crave. 

However, I worked thru the cravings each day and was already feeling better.  My next hurdle was the supplements themselves.  EVERYTHING is sweet.  Now, I love sweets, but not when that is all you are consuming.  Maybe that is the reason for some of my salty cravings above (and I'm never one to add salt to anything).  So much of the product is chocolate, and I never thought I'd say this, but just the thought of chocolate made me want to gag!  I think my Mom was right... maybe they wanted you so sick of sweets and chocolate by the end of the program that you would NEVER eat it again!  Haha.  Thankfully I was given samples of other flavors, so the second week I knew I could pick less chocolate and hopefully get thru it a little easier. 

All in all I made it through without cheating and was very proud to find out that I had lost 12 POUNDS my first week on the program!!!  This gave me new motivation for week 2 as I picked up my supplements from the office.  I also attended class that night and learned a little more about myself.... and that I wasn't the only one struggling with these issues.

The Doctor's Appointment

Monday morning I walked into the doctors office for my physical to see if I was acceptable for the program.  Although I didn't have any health issues (yet) I knew that my weight alone put me at a body mass index (BMI) of 40 which is in the "Extreme Obesity" category.  A healthy BMI is in the 19-24 range. I first went back with the nurse to check my weight and vitals.  Unfortunately they wouldn't let you take your shoes off for the weigh-in, so there it was staring at me in the face in big, bold, electronic numbers.  269 pounds.  Now was definitely the time.


They then had me wait out in the lobby for the Nurse Practitioner.  She was less that friendly and all about business when I got back there.  Not exactly the way I wanted to start out the program, but nevertheless she talked to me about my weight loss history, current and past health issues, and history of health problems in my family.  I listed them off... Diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, cancer, strokes, thyroid issues,.  You'd think by now these genetic factors would've scared me skinny, but I guess I was in denial.  When she finished she sent me for an EKG and blood work.  Then I was to go pick up my supplements to begin the program.


I got to the next office and met with Lisa.  She was the same person I spoke to when I called to get information about the program (after my Mom suggested it months ago).  She was sweet, understanding, and full of motivation and information about the program as she had completed it also.  I was sad to find out that this was her last week at the office, but I was happy she was there to walk me thru the first steps.  She explained the shakes and bar supplements.  I chose to do the option of 3 shakes and 2 meal bars per day, plus a snack bar.  There were several flavor options and once it was all said and done she sent me off with a carton of shakes in juice box size containers (complete with straw) and a shopping bag of bars to last me through the week.  She explained that the first two weeks were the hardest and wished me luck. 


Finally I was beginning my journey.... but it wasn't going to be an easy road ahead of me!!!

It's time to tell the truth....

The start of my journey this time began with me finally being honest with myself.  Putting my feelings down in writing lifted this giant weight off my shoulders, and once I shared it with a few people close to me I felt like I no longer had to keep a secret.  I could do it this time.

Here is what I wrote..... (edited for all audiences)

I’ve tried them all.  Weight Watchers (more times than I can count), the Cabbage Soup Diet, Atkins, South Beach, P90X, Thin & Healthy, NutriSystem, Alli, and the list goes on and on.  I even did a medical weight loss program back in 2006, but all of them had the same results… I gained back what I lost, and then some!  I know it takes motivation, dedication, self-control, will power, and lots of planning, but somehow at some point in time I just gave up on every one.  Not because being thinner and healthier isn’t important to me (because if that’s all I needed for weight loss I’d be a size 2) but because for some reason I just haven’t been able to succeed. 

I’m a food addict.  I binge eat, I eat when no one is looking, I lie about what I eat, even to my closest friends and family.  When I was married I even lied to my husband.  Whether it was a mid-afternoon stop at McDonalds for a double cheeseburger, Dairy Queen for a blizzard, or my favorite?  Donuts!!!  When I crave a jelly filled donut and all its frosted goodness there is nothing that will keep me from it.  I’ve eaten a whole box of Krispie Kreme donuts at one time!  I can taste the crème filled goodness as I type.  Or how about fun size candy at work?  Don’t even get me started on that one.  Somehow one piece always ends up being 8… 10… or more by the end of the day!  I’ve never been a stress eater, but boy can I put away the food when I’m bored.  Especially at night in front of the TV.  That’s the worst.  Sometimes I have to make myself go to bed because I can’t stop eating.  Not because I’m hungry, but because it tastes good! 

I’ve recently reached my highest weight again for the second time in my life.  263 pounds.  Although I feel good about myself, and think I am an attractive person inside and out, I’m still embarrassed by my weight.  I especially hate pictures of myself.  I avoid seeing people or posting certain pictures on my social networking sites because I don’t want people to judge me and all the weight I have put on.  Then there is the torture of shopping.  Although I try to convince myself how great it is that everything I need I can find just searching at a few stores (the “big girl” stores), secretly I want to wear the trendy, body hugging stuff that all my friends can pull off.  I’m not stupid, and I know that I will never be a size 2 like my younger sister.  I’m a McDermott, and we are built “big boned”, but I am not a healthy size and I have to do something NOW!!!

I’ve done enough diets I know what to do, eat less and move more, but yet I still can’t seem to change. As much as my mother tries to motivate me daily with suggestions on what to do, or not to do, and how much I would feel better if I just got moving or drank less soda, I resent her not for the fact that she says all of this, but because she is right.  You don’t want to hear a constant reminder of your failures, but deep down I know she does it because she loves me.  So, I need to start loving myself.  I see this in my father too.  Funny how alike we are, when so much of my life we have been apart.  Now when we spend time together I see so much of myself in him.  Our fluctuating weight, our relationship with food, our love of cooking and socializing with others over a good meal.  So, what is it that takes this from a healthy behavior to a problem?  Is it genetics, did I learn it from others, or is it something within myself? It’s like just one more bite will fill that void of whatever is is that I am missing.

Jenn is my best friend.  All of my life I have always seemed to have a small number of close friends, but Jenn is definitely the one God sent to be my angel and my sanity.  Jenn and I share in the same challenges with food and weight.  In fact, she is truly the only one who I can open up to about my struggles knowing she won’t be shocked because she has either done it or thought about it.  I don’t have to be afraid of her reaction because she is always there to say “me too”!  However, just recently I accompanied her to the hospital where her brother had been lifelined to the Neurological Intensive Care Unit.  We had just finished dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants and I had gotten a piece of peanut butter pie to go.  The whole time we were there all I could think about was getting home to eat my pie that was just sitting there in the backseat of the car.  Here her brother was in critical condition, and as her family sat around concerned about whether or not he would ever be the same again, all I was thinking about PIE!  When I got home I ate it so fast.  I was so embarrassed I couldn’t tell her.  That’s when I realized I truly had a problem.

I am dating the most amazing, smart, funny and handsome man.  After my divorce I never thought I’d meet someone again.  Never remarry or have children.  Who would want me?  I’d go out with my beautiful young friends and the guys never wanted to talk to me.  Then I reconnected with Billy.  He restored my faith in love and trust.  He makes me feel beautiful, special, adored, and reassures me when I need it (which can be often).  Although it is hard living 2000 miles apart we have built a connection that goes beyond intimate physical contact, but when we do get to see each other the spark between us becomes fireworks.   However, even after 10 months, no matter how comfortable we have gotten, I'm still very self-conscious of how I look when we are alone.  I always fear that he might enjoy me more if my stomach didn’t get in the way, if my thighs weren’t so fat, and if my breast didn’t sag so much.  I know he thinks I am beautiful so why is it that I'm trying to hide myself even from the one person that assures me I am perfect just the way I am?  It all comes down to the fact that at the end of the day I’m ashamed of myself.

I’m out of control.  I can’t even lose five pounds on my own let alone keep it off.  I make a pie and plan to have one piece… by the end of the night I’ve finished off 4 ½!  I have to do something now.  I’m spiraling out of control.  I don’t want to be one of those women with two bellies, one that hangs between their legs when they sit.  I don’t want to struggle with health issues like preeclampsia when I get pregnant.  I want to be cute and pregnant, not the size of the Titanic.  I have to do something, and I can’t do it on my own.  I need a fresh start to retrain myself what hungry feels like, and what healthy eating is like.  I must learn that you eat to live, not live to eat.  I want to enjoy life without the compulsive thoughts about food and weight that control every minute of my life.  Every other part of my life is complete, exactly where I want to be, but this.  I think I deserve to be happy without the constant battle of weight.  I am at the end of my rope. 

Therefore, today I am committing to myself to lose the weight and live a healthier life, not only for myself (because I deserve it), but for my friends, my family, and my future children.  Although there are many skeptics about the OPTIFAST program, the challenges are no different than any other plan I’ve tried.  You MUST be committed to staying on the plan and making a lifestyle change.  Success comes thru maintenance, but definitely not without the support of those around you.  You can’t quit after you lose the weight, you need to spend the time to educate yourself and change the way you live everyday.  This is my goal and my promise to myself.  This is the beginning of the rest of my life!

The "before picture"