It's time to tell the truth....

The start of my journey this time began with me finally being honest with myself.  Putting my feelings down in writing lifted this giant weight off my shoulders, and once I shared it with a few people close to me I felt like I no longer had to keep a secret.  I could do it this time.

Here is what I wrote..... (edited for all audiences)

I’ve tried them all.  Weight Watchers (more times than I can count), the Cabbage Soup Diet, Atkins, South Beach, P90X, Thin & Healthy, NutriSystem, Alli, and the list goes on and on.  I even did a medical weight loss program back in 2006, but all of them had the same results… I gained back what I lost, and then some!  I know it takes motivation, dedication, self-control, will power, and lots of planning, but somehow at some point in time I just gave up on every one.  Not because being thinner and healthier isn’t important to me (because if that’s all I needed for weight loss I’d be a size 2) but because for some reason I just haven’t been able to succeed. 

I’m a food addict.  I binge eat, I eat when no one is looking, I lie about what I eat, even to my closest friends and family.  When I was married I even lied to my husband.  Whether it was a mid-afternoon stop at McDonalds for a double cheeseburger, Dairy Queen for a blizzard, or my favorite?  Donuts!!!  When I crave a jelly filled donut and all its frosted goodness there is nothing that will keep me from it.  I’ve eaten a whole box of Krispie Kreme donuts at one time!  I can taste the crème filled goodness as I type.  Or how about fun size candy at work?  Don’t even get me started on that one.  Somehow one piece always ends up being 8… 10… or more by the end of the day!  I’ve never been a stress eater, but boy can I put away the food when I’m bored.  Especially at night in front of the TV.  That’s the worst.  Sometimes I have to make myself go to bed because I can’t stop eating.  Not because I’m hungry, but because it tastes good! 

I’ve recently reached my highest weight again for the second time in my life.  263 pounds.  Although I feel good about myself, and think I am an attractive person inside and out, I’m still embarrassed by my weight.  I especially hate pictures of myself.  I avoid seeing people or posting certain pictures on my social networking sites because I don’t want people to judge me and all the weight I have put on.  Then there is the torture of shopping.  Although I try to convince myself how great it is that everything I need I can find just searching at a few stores (the “big girl” stores), secretly I want to wear the trendy, body hugging stuff that all my friends can pull off.  I’m not stupid, and I know that I will never be a size 2 like my younger sister.  I’m a McDermott, and we are built “big boned”, but I am not a healthy size and I have to do something NOW!!!

I’ve done enough diets I know what to do, eat less and move more, but yet I still can’t seem to change. As much as my mother tries to motivate me daily with suggestions on what to do, or not to do, and how much I would feel better if I just got moving or drank less soda, I resent her not for the fact that she says all of this, but because she is right.  You don’t want to hear a constant reminder of your failures, but deep down I know she does it because she loves me.  So, I need to start loving myself.  I see this in my father too.  Funny how alike we are, when so much of my life we have been apart.  Now when we spend time together I see so much of myself in him.  Our fluctuating weight, our relationship with food, our love of cooking and socializing with others over a good meal.  So, what is it that takes this from a healthy behavior to a problem?  Is it genetics, did I learn it from others, or is it something within myself? It’s like just one more bite will fill that void of whatever is is that I am missing.

Jenn is my best friend.  All of my life I have always seemed to have a small number of close friends, but Jenn is definitely the one God sent to be my angel and my sanity.  Jenn and I share in the same challenges with food and weight.  In fact, she is truly the only one who I can open up to about my struggles knowing she won’t be shocked because she has either done it or thought about it.  I don’t have to be afraid of her reaction because she is always there to say “me too”!  However, just recently I accompanied her to the hospital where her brother had been lifelined to the Neurological Intensive Care Unit.  We had just finished dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants and I had gotten a piece of peanut butter pie to go.  The whole time we were there all I could think about was getting home to eat my pie that was just sitting there in the backseat of the car.  Here her brother was in critical condition, and as her family sat around concerned about whether or not he would ever be the same again, all I was thinking about PIE!  When I got home I ate it so fast.  I was so embarrassed I couldn’t tell her.  That’s when I realized I truly had a problem.

I am dating the most amazing, smart, funny and handsome man.  After my divorce I never thought I’d meet someone again.  Never remarry or have children.  Who would want me?  I’d go out with my beautiful young friends and the guys never wanted to talk to me.  Then I reconnected with Billy.  He restored my faith in love and trust.  He makes me feel beautiful, special, adored, and reassures me when I need it (which can be often).  Although it is hard living 2000 miles apart we have built a connection that goes beyond intimate physical contact, but when we do get to see each other the spark between us becomes fireworks.   However, even after 10 months, no matter how comfortable we have gotten, I'm still very self-conscious of how I look when we are alone.  I always fear that he might enjoy me more if my stomach didn’t get in the way, if my thighs weren’t so fat, and if my breast didn’t sag so much.  I know he thinks I am beautiful so why is it that I'm trying to hide myself even from the one person that assures me I am perfect just the way I am?  It all comes down to the fact that at the end of the day I’m ashamed of myself.

I’m out of control.  I can’t even lose five pounds on my own let alone keep it off.  I make a pie and plan to have one piece… by the end of the night I’ve finished off 4 ½!  I have to do something now.  I’m spiraling out of control.  I don’t want to be one of those women with two bellies, one that hangs between their legs when they sit.  I don’t want to struggle with health issues like preeclampsia when I get pregnant.  I want to be cute and pregnant, not the size of the Titanic.  I have to do something, and I can’t do it on my own.  I need a fresh start to retrain myself what hungry feels like, and what healthy eating is like.  I must learn that you eat to live, not live to eat.  I want to enjoy life without the compulsive thoughts about food and weight that control every minute of my life.  Every other part of my life is complete, exactly where I want to be, but this.  I think I deserve to be happy without the constant battle of weight.  I am at the end of my rope. 

Therefore, today I am committing to myself to lose the weight and live a healthier life, not only for myself (because I deserve it), but for my friends, my family, and my future children.  Although there are many skeptics about the OPTIFAST program, the challenges are no different than any other plan I’ve tried.  You MUST be committed to staying on the plan and making a lifestyle change.  Success comes thru maintenance, but definitely not without the support of those around you.  You can’t quit after you lose the weight, you need to spend the time to educate yourself and change the way you live everyday.  This is my goal and my promise to myself.  This is the beginning of the rest of my life!

The "before picture"